


The Empire Strips Back

by WarnerHedgehog



Series: In Amongst the Stars [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Ewoks, Gen, pointless silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-15
Updated: 2016-07-15
Packaged: 2018-07-24 05:31:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7495770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WarnerHedgehog/pseuds/WarnerHedgehog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another attempt at weirding Star Wars, this drags it off in a different, slightly pervier direction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Empire Strips Back

The whole business with the Empire and the rebels was down to strippers. It all came back to striptease clubs and bars. The first Death Star was built in orbit around Geonosis, a planet stuffed to the mechanical gills with strip joints. The second Death Star was constructed above Endor, a wooded planet where Ewok dancers made stripping into a surreal yet incredibly seductive art (Endor was in fact the most popular place in the entire universe because of it). Stormtrooper shore leave? Always, always on planets with lots of strip joints.  
Casinos? Brilliant! Casinos with a catwalk and a stage? Even better.  
Each Death Star was designed with at the very least 50 bars, Star Destroyers had a minimum of four lap dance clubs each. Where was the Emperor half the time? He really liked monocular strippers called Leela and got off on private dances.  
Why was Tatooine ignored by the Empire? No decent alcohol to speak of at all and the bars were filled with ugly, dust-covered weirdoes; besides, watching a Hutt attempt a pole dance will scar you for life. Why was Alderaan singled out for destruction? Populated by pompous self-important stuck-up berks who were so irritatingly insufferable that they had banned clubs and pubs and were about to outlaw porn.  
Why was Leia imprisoned? Prudish beyond reason.  
Why were the Jedi hunted to extinction? They were overzealous religious nutcases who happened to be the Republic's equivalent of the Spanish Inquisition. Complete puritanical fruitloops with magical powers.  
The rebels were just after the freedom to make everyone's life really dull.


End file.
